Tolerate or show Tolerance?

These last two weeks I've been learning and understanding something that I have needed for a long time. I've always had elements of understanding and tolerance in my life. I have often tried to understand others and give people the benefit of the doubt in my judgments. There has recently been some things learned that have given me a better ability to understand and apply true tolerance and I thought I would share. 

So what is tolerance. I used to think of it more as putting up with something you may or may not have any control over. Perhaps a certain person that bugs you, a child that is disobedient or bratty, or someone taking forever to get back to you or actually follow through with something they said they would do. We tolerate people and situations every day. But that's not tolerance. 

As with many things in the gospel there is a slight difference in these two very similar actions. But that difference makes all the difference to who we are, how we see others and the attitudes we have of life and those we are in it with. Now let me show you what I mean.

Lets say there's a mother who is trying to teach a child how to brush her teeth. This is going to take a few tries wouldn't you think? Well, she does too thankfully and goes over it each night for a week. She's already been teaching the child for a long time and helping her understand that it's important to do it every morning and night. So when the daughter gets ready for bed, brushes her teeth and goes to say prayers what does her mom and dad say and do when they inspect her abilities? 

They notice the drying toothpaste on her cheek and a piece of broccoli still stuck in one little nook, and they tell her to go try again. In this example there could be both tolerance or an attitude of tolerating. When Christ shows us tolerance, can you see Him being sassy or sarcastic and getting upset? I think of Him laughing just a little at our inability and also being grateful for our growth and desire to try. He knows where we are at. He knows that we sometimes just don't get it and will need time to progress and learn things that we need to understand. Tolerance embodies feelings of care and consideration. When you love a child it's easier to be patient with them and understand where they are in life. With your significant other or even just in trying to date and getting to know others we can run into this a lot. Sometimes we just need to remember that other people think differently than us. 

Recently I ran into this in dating. I was trying to get to know a girl who had some bad experiences with other guys before me. This happens to all of us in one way or another but this girl was really cautious. I gave her some space and tried to be patient but didn't get much further until I managed to talk to her about it. Thankfully we both came to understand each-other and I realized I hadn't considered what she had gone through or why she wasn't being very talkative. I knew I didn't understand and thankfully that is what made it possible for me to back off and let her know I was a normal guy that just wanted to get to know her a little better. Now after hearing about what she had dealt with before I totally understand why she had acted the way she did. I was glad that I didn't write her off and get upset because of my pride. Instead of tolerating her I feel like I was trying to show tolerance, understanding, and giving her the benefit of the doubt until I learned otherwise. 


"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so... righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness, nor misery, neither good nor bad."

2 Nephi 2: 10-12 In my initial observation of these passages I did not at all think they taught about how to love others. These verses talk about opposition in all things, and how it must be so. I feel that if we can change our attitude and perspective of people sometimes, it would be much easier to be understanding and loving. If we could see the struggles that others have and the intricate and necessary part of life opposition is- then we wouldn’t judge them for those struggles... but simply love and appreciate people for who they are and where they are at in their lives. Having a realistic understanding of how challenges shape and improve us can help to appreciate and love people for who they are and the struggles they have.


If we can love one another enough to where we really want the best for that person I think we can easily practice Christ like tolerance. Similarly the Lord wants for us to trust in Him and know that those things he puts in our lives to challenge us can become strengthening experiences as we exercise our trust in Him. Work through them and understand that everyone else has weaknesses and struggles too. Be patient and understanding and I think your journey will be a little easier to handle. And you also will be blessed with the ability to understand and appreciate those that might otherwise frustrate and try your patience. 

Past Present and Future

So this weekend I've thought of an interesting topic in reflection to my dating experiences. I just realized last night that I haven't gone on a real date at all this year until last night. Kinda sad... but I've been really busy and I guess I haven't put myself out there enough to get to know the few girls I may be interested in- at least enough to get to know them just a little better and see if they or I would want to actually go out sometime. I feel like you can't just ask someone out anymore and then get to know them... you kinda need to get to know them a little first, and maybe even see them a few times while you're out or at social events or church, then ask them out. At least that's the case the majority of the time.

So I was reflecting on some of the girls I've gone out with and dated a little and noticed that some I could just click with instantly. It was easy to talk and hang out and we got to know each-other pretty easily. Others you have to crack the shell a little and it takes time. I feel like I've been getting that a little more lately and it's just a little different but totally fine. Often when this happens it's neat because you really find a different person inside from how you first perceived them- and they're a lot more interesting. So I came up with a simple way to look at getting to know someone. There are three steps that you need to do in AT LEAST two dates (three is ideal) to get to know someone well enough to either keep it up or let them go.

The First thing we typically do when getting to know someone is to find out about their likes and interests to see if they have compatible hobbies and interests with us. I'll call this- getting to know their past. On the first date much of the time is spent getting to know where they grew up, the sports they played, hobbies or hidden talents they may have, size of their family, what the parents do for work.. etc. These things are their past. Last night on this first date- we learned all those things and as usual she asked me about my divorce and wanted to know about that. There were lots of "who have you been" questions, so I feel this concept is pretty solid.
You need to feel like you understand a small part of who this person has been and why they are the way that they are. It helps you to understand why they are in the place in life that they are in, as well as how you can identify with them and get along with them. It will help you to understand, and not just judge them.

The Second step is getting to know their present. You see where I'm going yet? ;) On the second date people are more likely to open up and try to get to know you better. They will be more themselves and you can do something perhaps a little less traditional than the first date so you can see a little different side of them. These themes all overlap within the course of getting to know someone, but the principle is the point... as per usual with me. When you spend time to get to know someone you can't be as selfish as you might normally think. So think outside the box a little and see if their different qualities would help or hurt over time. What makes them laugh and what are their favorites. If someone is quiet are you outgoing or talkative enough to pull them out of it to open up to people? Is it really part of their character or just a bad habit? Can they improve or are they always the same? What are they like now- with you in person. Also, what are they doing in their life to prepare for a family and a future. Do they like their job, their family, siblings, parents, church, themselves? You need to get to know who they are in the NOW and see how it works with you as well as what can they teach you. Too often we look at others with the attitude of what can they do for me? How are they exactly what I want- instead of how would they be compatible with me and balance me out?

The Third date or concept- is to get to know the person's future through their eyes as well as your own. Now this may not take three dates and it may take more, but the point is that these three things sum up the most important aspects of who a person is and how you're going to be able to work with them for a really long time. Yes marriage is work- incase you heard it was a fairy tale or something else. Of course a person's past doesn't matter a lot in some respects but in all phycological and emotional areas it will effect how they see the world. What they have gone through will reflect in how they react to things in the future. BUT the past can be improved and healed greatly for most people with proper counseling and consistent activity in a healthy lifestyle. Our minds are amazing at being able to heal and forget the past. Do not hold people to their past because it does not define them. What their heart wants and yearns for for the future is really what will effect the future the most. Find out what motivates them and what they want. The family is such a crucial part of a couple's future together so talk about how they were raised and what they want for their family one day. As you think about a person's future you may be able to see how you could fit into it or how certain things would really be a struggle.

Ultimately I think that if you have an attraction to someone and that they do to you (even if it's not magical at first)- you should give them a chance to show you a reasonably good idea of who they are and if you could work with them. Yes, there are times you will know right away it could never work out, it happens. Don't lead people on and don't drag it out. But if it might, or could, or you just don't know them all that well, then give it just a little time and effort. I was just talking to a buddy of mine last week about how -when you get to know someone and spend a little time with them it's amazing how much more attractive they become. You get a chance to really see who they are. It's a blessing to be able to do that and we need to remember it and take advantage of it when we can. In my opinion it's hard to objectively look at someone and see all these important things if you're in "la la land". Keep it under control for at least the first few dates. I've dated girls for a month or two before kissing them as well as the totally opposite end of the spectrum, and I know that time brings clarity. They'll respect you more and you'll better know how you really feel about a person the longer you wait- within reason of course. Three to six months would be a little much in most cases.

If you follow these three thoughts in dating and getting to know people I hope it becomes easier to think of questions to ask. Easier to get to know who they really are and... that you more naturally can grow to appreciate them and understand who they are, even if they are not The One for you. We are encouraged to "study it out in our mind" and make choices. This is the basics of how to do it. Stop pretending that you're the one in a million that's gonna fall in love at first sight and you'll just know after the first date. Take and put these sound perspectives into practice. I promise they will help- especially if you do fall in love at first sight. :)